


I've Become Worse Than Her

by kingharoldchokedonafly



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Forced Fusion, How Do I Tag, M/M, Masochism, Non-Consensual Touching, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationships, Post-Steven Universe: The Movie, Self Harm, Self Loathing, Selfcest, Smut, Steven has PTSD, Steven is 17, Temper Tantrums, connie wants to work through things, mentions of Steven/Connie, non-consensual fusion, pink tries to help, post-episode: s06e13 together forever, relationships, spinel didn't change, steven corrupts, steven hates rose quartz, steven is heartbroken, steven is sexually confused, steven is sick of being called pink diamond, steven just wants a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:41:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25755289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingharoldchokedonafly/pseuds/kingharoldchokedonafly
Summary: After his proposal to Connie failed, Steven finds himself more anxious than usual. His body constantly glowing the florescent pink was draining his body of energy. Despite the need for sleeping, hydrating, and eating, he found himself rejecting his basic humanly needs. He didn't feel human. He didn't want to become her, but what else could he do? Wasn't she a part of him? What if he just tried to get rid of it? It's happened before, why not try it again?
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe/Steven Universe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy! this is my first story on here and im so very excited to be publishing the first chapter! this one is mainly a recap of what happened in 'together forever' but i did change the end of the episode. instead of him coping the way he did with the heartbreak, i changed it up a bit so the plot line will actually work with what i had in mind! this one will be left off at a cliff hanger and will be the shortest chapter of the whole story. i just needed a starter. ill take any notes or criticism or suggestions that are given! feel free to leave kudos or comment if you wish! have a lovely day ;0!

Steven delicately strummed the last notes on his guitar, smiling widely towards Connie as he quickly set the instrument to the side. He quickly adjusted himself, getting down onto one knee in front of the person he cared about more than anything. He gave the girl a big smile, holding out the familiar glow-stick bracelet towards the female, who was staring at him with much emotion spread across her face. 

"S-Steven?" she stammered, her hand resting on the sand behind her, slightly pushing herself away from the sight that stood before her. 

"Connie, will you marry me?" Steven replied instantly, holding the bracelet out to her hopefully, in which he got a simple, "What?" from Connie in return. He quickly took her small pause to explain, "Let's get married and live as Stevonnie!" he explained, giving the girl a smile. 

"What!?" she exclaimed, flinching as the male slightly thrusted the glowing bracelet towards her. She chuckled awkwardly, "Steven, maybe we should talk about this first?" she suggested, delicately raising her left hand as a small gesture, worry spread across her face. 

Steven quickly rose to his feet, still holding the bracelet like an engagement ring, "I know you might think I'm being sentimental, but this makes sense! For example, I don't know what you've been studying, but Stevonnie does! We can go to college together!" This caused Connie to slowly rise to her feet, her hands being placed in front of her chest, one on top of the other. 

"Steven, come on, we're really young!" she said softly. 

Steven's face dropped, sadness and discomfort spread across his face, his hands dropping to his lap, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. "You... You don't want to be Stevonnie with me?" he asked her. 

"Of course I do. But I want to be my own person too." Connie instantly replied with, her face full of guilt.

Steven blinked for a second, "Well, yeah. But..." he quickly hid away the bracelet, feeling very uncomfortable and awkward with the whole situation. Connie instantly recognized his behavior, stumbling slightly over the beautifully placed picnic, embracing the boy delicately. He did nothing to return the gesture, but Connie continued to persist, her arms wrapped around Steven's shoulders, her head resting on one of them as he spoke up once more, "Is-Is it a "no"?" he asked.

Connie's face was more relaxed, her eyes closed as she softly responded, "It's a "not now", Steven."

A small frown encased Steven's face, "But if we're sure that we're gonna spend our lives together, why not say it now?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Connie leaned back, delicately grabbing the male's hands, holding them in her own. 

"We've got plenty of time. Don't worry," she reassured him, giving him a small smile.

Steven's eyes shifted towards the ground, before shifting back up to meet Connie's, "I'm not worried, I'm just happy to be with you, that's all." Connie's eyes lit up, smiling at the response.

"I'm happy to be with you too. It's just that-" suddenly the familiar sound of her phone alarm went off, reminding her that she had to get back to college prep. "Oh no! My alarm!" she exclaimed, before tapping the dismiss button, "Forget studying right now, it doesn't matter."

A smile appeared on Steven's face as he replied, his eyes remaining closed as he spoke to his best friend, "Yes, it does. It's important to you."

" _You're_ important to me!" she argued, tucking her phone into her pocket. She received a small chuckle from the teenager. 

"I'm fine! We'll talk about it later. Lion's waiting for you," he explained, looking into her eyes briefly before glancing over to Lion, giving the pink animal a small smile. He smiled widely, slightly leaning towards the girl, his hands resting in his jean pockets. 

"Steven, a-are you sure?" she asked. 

"Yeah," he quickly responded, giving her a toothy smile, his eyes closed. Connie embraced him in a hug, another one of which Steven didn't return. Connie delicately spoke as she hugged him, "I'll call you tomorrow at lunch time."

After the embrace, Connie walked towards Lion, gently running her hands through his pink mane. She hopped on and waved at Steven who quickly yelled, "Good luck studying!" before the 'beast' ran off with the girl on his back. A smile remained on the boy's face as she disappeared into the sunset... until he was sure she was gone, of course. He let out a verbal sigh, spreading his arms out widely and flopping backwards onto the sand, tears teasing at the corners of his eyes. Within an instant, his body turned fluorescent pink, a crater being created in the sand. His emotions were on high keen, there was no hope of control after this point. Everything he had set up for this occasion had been destroyed. He didn't blame himself, necessarily. Just a particular part of it. His gem. 

"If I didn't have you this wouldn't have happened!" he yelled angrily, his voice echoing past the rocky cliffs that surrounded him. He lifted up his white dress shirt, the palm of his hand pressing firmly against the gemstone. His fingers gripped around the edges, flashbacks of a few years ago flooding back to him. 

_Slender, white fingers. Sharp, black nails. Delicately lifting up the red fabric of his shirt, revealing the gemstone to the diamond. Her blindingly white teeth shining into the 14 year old's eyes. He flinched, leaning his head back as he felt his gem being tugged out of his skin. He was suddenly overwhelmed with white hot pain. His vision was white, his body shocked with the pain that pinched at every single nerve. The next thing he knew, he was on the floor, being held up by Connie as he watched his gem reform before his own eyes, trying to choose in between three different forms. Which finally ended up being a form identical to Steven himself, just glowing pink. The relief and joy he felt when he saw this was immeasurable. But he couldn't focus on that. He was dying then and there, and without his energy source, he was nothing._

Coming back to reality, Steven gave himself a nod, watching the setting sun. He took a deep breath, his fingers delicately curling around the gem. He gave a strong tug, extracting the gemstone from his skin. The white pain and nausea appeared, as expected, before his world went black. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy you lovely humans! im back at it again with another chapter so soon! i've been really inspired lately to write this story! i really don't know why i adore this ship as much as i do, but im warning you, it's not going to be fiddle de dah fluffy all the way. it's going to be quite angsty, especially towards the beginning. this chapter is quite dialog heavy, and not as long as i had originally planned it to be, though it is much longer than the previous one. i hope you enjoy!
> 
> warnings for this chapter:  
> rejection, self harm, non-consensual fusion, non-consensual touching, swearing, masochism

Collapsed lifelessly on the sand, Steven began to blink slowly, his left eye open wider than his right. Something about him wasn't right, though he wasn't exactly sure what. His mind empty of thought, instead, it was full of pain and exhaustion. He wanted to go to sleep, for the pain to slowly fizzle out as he fell asleep into a dreamless sleep. Though, he knew that would never come. He felt a surge of extraordinary energy flow through his veins. His eyes shot open, looking up to see someone eerily familiar. The glow from Pink's skin radiated so make Steven's skin appear a lighter shade. He was standing, Steven resting in his arms bridal style. 

"We need to refuse," Pink stated coldly, his face stern yet emotionless. It made shivers travel down the boy's spine, his stare. Before he spoke he threw himself out of his arms, gladly welcoming the pain that returned, losing the touch of Pink. He would rather die in aggravating pain than be a part of **_her_**.

"N- No!" Steven sputtered out, curling himself up in a ball, holding his legs close to his chest for comfort. He didn't remember it feeling _this_ intense. 

Pink nonchalantly rolled his eyes, "Steven, you know you need me," he spoke, walking towards the male, picking him up once again. Pink didn't care how much the boy was going to thrash and argue with him, he wanted him to stay safe. He _needed_ him to stay safe. He believes that protecting Steven was his sole purpose. 

"I said 'no'!" Steven yelled, despite feeling much more relaxed and no pain, he tried to push the gem away, "I don't want you anymore! You just make my life a living hell!" he screamed, closing his eyes tightly, realizing how much energy the pain had already taken out of him. If he just got away for another minute...

"I know," the familiar stern voice said, sandals crunching through the sand, carrying the human away from the mess they had created. The picnic basket crushed against the rocks, jam, and biscuits spread everywhere. The cake he got for Connie, crushed. Steven grumbled to himself, checking his surroundings, looking in any opportunity to throw himself out of Pink's arms. He couldn't think of Connie right now. He was too emotional for this shit right now, and trying to fight off his gem self was completely useless. Pointless. There was no way in hell he could even remotely fight him off. He would just keep scooping him up in his scarily familiar arms, and carrying him until he gave up and surrendered. But, he wasn't going to give up that easily. 

"Let me go! I don't want you anymore! If I didn't have you, maybe Connie would be with me right now! I probably would've had a normal family with a **mom**!" Steven yelled, making a few seagulls fly over their heads. He noticed a slight change in Pink's hue. He was brighter, for sure. His form was seemingly unstable. This made Steven strangely joyous. He wanted his gem to suffer like he was. But then again, he felt slightly guilty. He had a strange urge, he didn't know why, and he didn't know what for, but his mind was yearning for something. 

Pink simply ignored him, his face looking unemotional. Typical. Avoiding what little emotion he had inside to appear tough on the outside. Steven could see through his lies. 

"Where are you even taking me?" Steven asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest, letting his eyes travel towards the ocean. He quickly tore them away, remembering how Connie rode off on lion just minutes before. He most certainly would've turned pink if they were fused. God, he needed to stop thinking about fusion! He didn't need Pink anymore!

"Home," Pink replied. The familiar beach house came into view soon after. He carried him in uncomfortable silence, walking up the wooden stairs. Taking a glance inside, Pink let out an unnecessary breath, opening the door with one hand, managing to hold onto the teenager. Steven hadn't noticed, but his form was altered, changed into a larger form of the male. Muscular, taller, a small amount of scruff on his cheeks. 

Steven attempted to squirm in the other's arms, to no avail. He twisted his head towards the fluorescent being, instantly recognizing his unique form. 

"W- Why do you look like that?" Steven asked apprehensively, consciously making an effort to avert his eyes from the muscular being. He attempted to ignore the prolific amount of filthy thoughts that ran through his brain. Blood began rushing to his cheeks, nearly causing them to grow as pink as the illusion of light that was holding him. 

"Stress," he shrugged, "We experienced this before."

Steven looked down at his hands, "Never like that."

"I know."

* * *

Time seemed to go by painfully slow. Steven laid on his bed, nearly suffocating himself with the endless crying. The sense of rejection finally settled within him. He was curled up, his arms wrapping around his upper torso. Pink's hand delicately resting on his waist. Steven hated the feeling of his touch. He wanted the emotional pain to go away and let physical pain take over. He didn't want his hands on him. He knew why he was doing it, but the way he occasionally rubbed his hips, trying to calm the overwhelming emotions. Every time, he would swat his hand away. 

"St- Stop touching me! I've told you twenty times now! Just stop it!" he whimpered out, "I'd rather die than have your hands on me! You should know that by now.." he whispered, holding himself tightly as he embraced the brief time with the intense physical pain that enveloped his body. 

Pink ignored his pleads, touching his hip. Steven screamed angrily, kicking the being away. 

" **I SAID STOP!** " he yelled, his hands digging through his hair as the white-hot pain returned to his body. He smiled to himself, tears flowing down his cheeks. He welcomed the pain graciously, feeling his body begin to shut down. His vision going black, his breathing slowly fading out. The emotional pain fizzled, and evaporated, becoming nothing. 

Until it became something again. 

He gasped for air, his eyes widely opening. He quickly realized he was alone. 

_Holy shit._

" **I said no** **!** " he yelled, looking at the gem that was once again put in its rightful place, " ** _I fucking said NO!_** " Steven yelled, sitting upright and throwing his hands up, tugging at his hair angrily. He didn't want to be fused! He didn't want to be with Pink!

The pink hue instantly began taking over the male's pale skin, starting as a blush and quickly transitioning into a full-body experience. 

He clenched his fists tightly, rushing towards his bedroom's door, breaking off the handle in the process, traveling down the stairs. (Four stairs at a time, might I add). He rushed towards his bathroom, throwing the door open angrily. He was lucky that the gems were away on a week-long field trip. 

He gripped onto the bathroom counter, cracking it on contact. He looked up at himself in the mirror, his grip on the counter tightening. He stared, frustrated at the pink, fluorescent hue that radiated brightly off his body. 

" **I don't want to be like this anymore!** " he screamed. The bathroom cracked, a crater being created under his feet. The mirror broke, the glass cutting his face and body. He endured the pain, almost relaxing him in a strange way. Blood began delicately trickling down from the cuts that covered his upper body and face. Enjoying the pain, he grabbed a large piece of the glass, bringing it to his pink skin. He flinched as he ran it down his skin, creating multiple cuts. He sighed, the pink slowly beginning to fade as his body relaxed, dropping the bloody glass onto the destroyed bathroom floor. 

He slid down the bathroom wall, his back resting against the cracked surface. He hummed out in relief, inviting sleep to join him as his eyes began to slowly close. The stress beginning to finally overwork his body. Despite his adoration for the pain he was enduring, his body was getting to him. As he closed his eyes, he attempted to drift off, though nothing occurred. Typically, he fell asleep within minutes, especially when he's as exhausted as he is now. He didn't understand. 

"What's going on with me?" He muttered to himself, pulling his knees up to his chest, his skin once again glowing pink. "Maybe I am a masochist, maybe... just maybe.." he whispered, taking in a shaky breath, tears teasing at his eyes, "Maybe I am worse than her."


End file.
